As the popularity of Buzz Feed has proven, obtuse discussions
about popular culture are one of the world’s favourite pastimes. Whether it’s a
list of the 10 classic episodes of Seinfeld that would no longer work in the
mobile phone era, or a collection of GIFs from Game of Thrones, virtual
audiences can’t get enough.
So when my friend suggested over coffee that Belgium were
the “Alt-J of the World Cup; the hipsters choice for winners” it’s fair to say
that the idea snowballed somewhat. Which team was the best match for Britney
Spears? Which musician embodied the continual heartache that England constantly
put its fans through? And just who the fuck would be Iran? Well fear not - all
these questions are cleared up below.
Let us know what you think in the comments:
Group A
One Direction are Brazil
The popular choice
who will be mentioned everywhere whether you like them or not: Given
Brazil’s embarrassing riches of talent and 1D’s equally apparent lack thereof,
the two might seem like a slightly odd match, so bear with me. As a team whose football is often more
attractive than the results it achieves, and the bookmaker’s favourites to get
to number 1, los Canarinho are the populist’s choice. Much like
1D, they look likely to dictate the tune that the rest of the world will be
forced to listen to this summer.
Bjork is Croatia
Technically gifted
but batshit crazy: Famed for being talented but also a little eccentric,
Bjork is the best match we can find for the talented mavericks of Croatia. Born
in 1991, following the country’s referendum delivered independence from
Yugoslavia, Croatia burst onto the world scene during Euro ’96 when Davor
Sukor’s logic defying chip of Peter Schmeichel made everyone take note of the
nations football. However, much like Bjork, Croatia’s genius is flawed, with
star players like Robert Prosinecki frequently smoking, former coach Slavan Bilić fancing himself as a musician and Josip Šimunić remaining on the pitch even after
receiving three yellow cards…they constantly defy all footballing logic.
The Killers are Mexico
Their fans have high
hopes but are always let down: To the rest of the world, Mexico are
also-rans, but to their fans they honestly head into every World Cup genuinely
believing they lift the trophy. It’s akin to how fans of Brandon Flowers and
The Killers must feel every time he promises a new album which will be as good
as ‘Hot Fuss’, only to be left utterly disappointed.
The Strokes are Cameroon
A team of individuals
who only play for themselves: When Pele stated “An African team will win
the World Cup by the year 2000” it seemed like a decent prediction given the
emergence of Cameroon led by Roger Milla at the 1990 World Cup. However, much the
like Julian Casablancas and Albert Hammond, Jr. after the success of the
Strokes post their breakthrough Is This
It?, star performers like Samuel Eto’o and Alex Song have focused on their
solo careers ahead of the success of the team.
Group B
Beyoncé
is Spain
A decade of success,
but the cracks in their perfection are starting to show: After winning the
last World Cup (not to mention the last two European Championships) the Spanish
national team have, like Beyoncé, conquered
the world over the last decade and it will take a monumental effort by another
team to displace them from their throne. That said, the years of success have begun
to take their toll and much like the recently leaked fight between ‘Yonce’s
husband Jay-Z and sister Solange, Spain’s loss in last summers Confederations
Cup is proof that the cracks are beginning to show.
Sex Pistols
are the Netherlands
Their ethos changed
everything: It’s not because of a bratty, often contrary attitude that the
Dutch national team are akin to the Sex
Pistols. It’s not even because the country’s players have a reputation for
outlandish acts of brilliance (Cruyffs turn), brash arrogance (the teams underperformance
at Euro 2012) and gobbing (Rijkaard’s spit on Rudi Voller). No, it’s simply
because the total football they had the bravery to player fundamentally changed
everything. The Sex Pistols and the Netherlands are quite simply game changers;
even if they have never won the biggest prize.
Japandroids are Chile
Playing each game
like it’s their last: High-energy, relentless, talented and an underdog
status are just four of the ways in which Japandroids and Chile are similar.
Led by world-class duo Alexis Sanchez and Arturo Vidal (or Sassoon as I like to
call him), and following the groundwork laid by former coach (and tactical
genius) Marco Beilsa, Chile play each game of football like it’s their last.
They are the very essence of Japandroid’s music which thrives on the moments in
which life is at its most wonderful and fragile.
Britney Spears is Australia
The golden years are
gone: Given the country’s lust for all things athletic, it’s strange that
Australia hasn’t managed to produce a team to challenge the world. All the
ingredients for a top-class footballing nation are there, something which is
evidenced by the nations golden generation of players; Tim Cahill, Mark Viduka,
Harry Kewell, Brett Emerton and Mark Schwarzer, but it never quite comes
together for long enough. This makes them the Britney Spears of the footballing
world; good enough to make the odd hit, but whose best years look behind them.
Group C
Pharrell Williams is Columbia
Enjoying a rebirth
after a few years in the doldrums: Over the past year, Pharrell Williams
has experienced on something of renaissance. First he made a fortune alongside
Daft Punk’s breakout hit ‘Get Lucky’, followed it up with an even bigger single
alongside Robin Thicke on the controversial ‘Blurred Lines’ and now is singing ‘Happy’
at any festival stage that will have him. For an artist/producer whose best
years as part of N*E*R*D/The Neptunes looked to be firmly behind him, his
re-emergence has a striking similarity to that of Columbia, who after nearly a
decade of in the doldrums now have talented players like the uber-talented
James Rodriguez, Falcao (who is unfortunately injured), Jackson Martinez and
Juan Cuadrado ready to replicate the success of the nations 90s heroes such as
the iconic Carlos Valderrama and Tino Asprilla.
Chris De Burgh is Greece
The one hit wonder
you wished you could forget: Remember Euro 2004? You know the one where
Otto Rehhagel ultra-defensive tactics somehow managed to take a less than
talented team to the title? It is the very definition of a footballing
one-hit-wonder and like Chris De Burgh’s awful song ‘Lady in Red’ will be
remembered for all the wrong reasons.
Lana Del Rey Is Ivory Coas
Has yet to live up to
lofty expectations: When Lana Del Rey burst onto the scene with the amazing
‘Video Games’ back in 2011, many (myself included) thought the world had a new
pop star with the talent to join the ranks of the elite. A debut album
followed, failing to live up to the thrilling brilliance of that first single
and making critics wary about her long-term prospects of success. It’s much the
same with football pundits and the Ivory Coast. As a team experiencing a golden
generation of footballing stars such as Yaya Toure, Didier Drogba, Saloman
Kalou, Cheick Tiote, Wilfried Bony and Gervinho they have promised much, but
failed to deliver even an African Cup of Nations. As Del Rey prepares her new
album and the Ivory Coast head to the World Cup, they both have a lot to prove.
Frank Turner Is Japan
The hardworking underdog
edging closer to the big-time: A rising force in world football, Japan has
started to produce high-class players (Shinji Kagawa and Keisuke Honda) with
increasing regularity. The nations culture of hard work and the desire to
constantly strive to be, bigger, better and do more makes them a match for
punk-folk musician, Frank Turner. A former hard-core cult hero, whose
relentless touring schedule has taken him from small pub function rooms to
Wembley arena, the opening ceremony at the London Olympics and who knows where
in the future.
Group D
Miley Cyrus is Uruguay
Always controversial:
As the unfancied winners of the first World Cup in 1930 and again during the 1950
competition in Brazil (plus courtesy of Luis Suarez’s handball against Ghana,
the villains of the last World Cup), controversy follows Uruguay’s football
team around. It’s this which makes Miley Cyrus the nation’s perfect match.
Whether they take a wrecking ball to England’s own hopes or Suarez undoubted
talent takes a bite of Italy’s dreams of progressing to the knockout stages,
Uruguay, like Cryus, won’t be far away from the headlines.
Rick Astley is Costa Rica
The comic relief: What’s
the one thing that every football fan remembers about Costa Rican football?
That’s right, Paolo Wanchope’s goal for Derby against Manchester United; it’s
the one piece of footballing trivia that pretty much every fan knows about the
lowest ranked team in England’s group. It’s this which makes Rick Astley a match
for the ‘Ticos’: just the mention of his name a flood of nostalgia (and
internet gags) will wash over anyone involved in the conversation.
Kate Bush is England
The drama queen of
football: England’s illustrious history and love of the game but lack of
success in its premier competition has always been one of the great enigmas in
world football and makes them particularly difficult to match in this list.
There is one theme that has followed the Three Lions: Drama. Whether it’s the
ball that didn’t cross the line in ’66, penalty shootout failures, Beckham’s
red card, Lampard’s goal that wasn’t given or any number of other highs and
lows in between, there is no other team which does tragic drama quite like
England. It’s for this reason that melodramatic music of Kate Bush is the
perfect match for the inventers of the beautiful game.
Radiohead are Italy
Always ready to
deliver another hit: Often accused of dull, slow and relying on negative
football to win games, the stereotypes that follow the Italian game are as
misguided as the people who merely refer to Radiohead as “depressive music”.
Having won the biggest prize on no fewer than four times the Azzurri have
sustained success throughout the decades, moving with the footballing times
whilst keeping the nation’s own unique way of playing. Playing it safe in some
ways (a belief in their methods), whilst taking risks in others (think ‘In Rainbows’
and the continued selection of Mario Balotelli) both Radiohead and Italy are a
class act and no one will be too surprised if they lifted the biggest prize yet
again.
Group E
Los Campesinos! are Switzerland
Improving all the
time: Unbeaten in qualification, Switzerland are another team who it could
be argued will be sending the country’s best ever team to the World Cup. With
exciting young players like Xherdan
Shaqiri and Granit Xhaka coming
together with more experienced players like Tranquillo Barnetta and Gökhan
Inler, they are the Los Campesinos! of world football, a band whose experience
and undoubted talent gives them the platform to earn a cult following and, just
maybe, the chance to one day win big.
Sash are Ecuador
Dame tu mano / y
venga conmigo / Vamonos al viaje para / buscarlos sonidos magicos: Ok, Ok,
this one is a lazy choice but I just love how shit late 90s dance pop really
was.
Oasis are France
Headliners always on
the verge of breaking up: Euro 2008 and the World Cup 2010 were chastening
experiences for France. The team which only eight years prior were coming off
the back of a World and Euro cup wins failed to get out of the group stages and
even staged a training boycott. Although Didier Deschamps seems to have instilled
much better discipline this time around; much like the Gallagher brothers cycle
of success, bratty infighting and reformation (and the likelihood of a well
placed Mancunian headbutt) there is a sense that it could all fall apart at
anytime.
The Bravery are Honduras
No one told them they are shit: The music business is full of hard luck stories; the bands that should have, could have, would have made it if the chips had fallen their way and Honduras are no different. They’re the Bravery, a band who won the BBC Sound Of list and then went on to do, well, fuck all really.
Group F
Kanye West is Argentina
Flawed genius: No
one team should have all that prowess, Opta watching, they just count the
passes. Sorry bad rhyming, but no less true. Despite the fact they have a
shoddy defence, Argentina are contenders because of a prestigious array of attacking
talents including a quartet of Gonzalo Higuain, Angel Di Maria, Sergio Aguero
and, of course, Lionel Messi. This is a team of maximalist artists; whose
potential seems limitless and whose flaws make them compelling to watch, or in
other words the very same reasons we love to listen to Kanye West.
New Order are Bosnia and Herzegovina
Formed from the
remnants of a great loss: Another fully signed up member to the tenets of
the Danubian School of football, Bosnia and Herzegovina are entering into the
country’s first ever World Cup with a surprising amount of expectation. Formed
out of the ashes of Yugoslavia, the teams heroes – talented playmaker Miralem
Pjanic and the lethal Edin Dzeko – are charged with forging a new legacy for
expectant fans, which is something that New Orders Bernard Sumner and Peter
Hook know all about.
Jandek is Iran
The outsiders: As
a nation shrouded with an infamous past, Iran are most definitely an outsider
in the world of football. With scant information about quality of the teams
players or how they set themselves up to play, they are akin to Jandek. A blues
musician from Texas who has self-released some 70 albums that very few people
have listened to and even fewer would care to try.
The Happy Mondays are Nigeria
They just seem to
hang around and not do much: If ever a World Cup team could be summed up by
the selection of one player it would be Nigeria. I mean any team that thinks
Shola Ameobi is going score the goals to propel you through the World Cup has
some serious issues (and that’s coming from a Newcastle fan). So that earns
Nigeria the dubious title of World Cup hangers on, which is a shame because
their nickname the ‘Super Eagles’ makes them sound so cool.
Group G
U2 is Germany
The pragmatists: Say
what you like about Bono and U2 but they know what it takes to be successful in
the music industry. Whether it’s writing stadium filling classic records like the
‘Joshua Tree’ or 'Achtung Baby' or releasing cynical tracks that are guaranteed
royalty spinners like 'Beautiful Day', everything they do is to keep them at the
top of their game and it’s much the same with the German national team. Always
playing to their strengths (the uncharacteristically defensive football that
took them to the World cup final in 2002) and recognising when they need to
change (the renewed focus on the production of quality youth players after poor
performances at Euro 2000 and 2004), it will come as little surprise if the
Germans end up with the trophy that their push success demands.
Florence and the Machine are Portugal
Defined by the
success of an individual: Whilst it really is spectacularly unfair to call
Portugal a one-man team, whenever anyone says that have a chance of winning,
it’s always with the caveat “as long as Ronaldo plays like he does for Real
Madrid” and it’s that which makes them Florence and the Machine. For whilst the
machine might be well practiced, well drilled unit, Ronaldo and Florence are
the reason people really take notice.
Drake is Ghana
Everyone secretly
likes them: Often deemed inauthentic for his middle-class roots and mocked
by rap purists for acknowledging that he actually has emotions, admitting you
think Drake’s music is great can often lead to derision from friends. It’s the
same when anyone suggests that Ghana have a chance of winning the World Cup,
notwithstanding the fact they have a squad of talented and athletic players
that will push any team they play to its limits. The thing is despite all the
arguments against both; EVERYONE will be able to name one of Drakes songs or
Ghana matches or players as one of their favourites.
She & Him are USA
Let’s be honest, it’s
not their top priority: Let me ask you a question. What do you know Zooey
Deschanel for? The s(h)itcom New Girl right? It’s this reason that her twee
indie band She & Him are the perfect match for USA’s soccer team. For
Deschanel and the United States, music/soccer are a secondary thought behind
the thing they really love, acting/American Football and as such they’ll never
be great at it.
Group H
Vampire Weekend are Belgium
The hipster choice
for world cup winners: Unbeaten in the qualification campaign and featuring
some of the best young footballers in world football (Hazard, Lukaku, De
Bruyne), Belgium are the choice to win the competition outright for those who
consider themselves football experts. It’s this mixture of talent, burgeoning
popularity and critical backing that make Vampire Weekend a match for Belgium.
They’re on the cusp of becoming truly mainstream and topping the charts for
months on end, all the need to that career defining hit.
McFly are Algeria
Just happy being
involved: Between their use of floating
stages, their Back to the Future style stage entrances or a collaboration which
sounds that McDonalds has finally been arrested for serving terribad food; but there
is a sense that McFly really understand their position in the music industry. Tom
and co. know they’re never likely to win an award for artistic merit and as
such never pretend to, choosing instead to continue unabashed whilst, like
Algeria, they pump out consistently identikit performances.
Pete Doherty is Russia
Waiting to re-emerge
as a world star: There were some decent Soviet Union teams in the 60s and
70s; winning the European Championships and the final twice. After the
countries break-up they’ve been less successful and despite a wealth of
opportunities to perform, they yet to pull themselves back together, much like
Doherty trying to find his way in his post-Libertines career.
Jetplane Landing are Korea Republic
Plucky underdogs,
doing things their way: They’re not popular or playing music that is ever
likely to be (genre melding, political post-hardcore), but you can do nothing
but admire Jetplane Landing’s work ethic and determination to do everything on
their terms. Releasing all of their own records via their own record label –
Smalltown America – the Northern Irish band are a great match for South Korea,
their mixture of ultra-hardworking, organisation, talent and obsession with
politics will constantly win them discerning admirers.
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